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This would be very classy, an homage to a famous Yves Saint Laurent nude. An adjective I'm sure Linda Lovelace heard a few times. In the dim, hangar-sized studio, they poured me chilled wine, put on a Norah Jones CD, handed me a white terry-cloth robe, and apologized for not having a fluffer.

Everyone had a good laugh at that one. I took off my robe and sat cross-legged on this red cushion. The humiliation level? I'd say moderate to high--about the same as when I inadvertently drooled on my desk in sixth grade.

There was Nigel--the very nice British photographer--who kept telling me to "soook in yer goot! There was the look of horror when I lowered my leg too much and exposed what Nigel called my "chopper.

There was the evidence of my low position on the media chain: As I was leaving, they began setting up for Mary-Louise, bringing in the couscous and grilled chicken and champagne.

But at least there were no problems with my chopper misbehaving. I was genuinely worried about this; I had brought along a photo of my late grandma, just in case.

So what did I learn from the exercise? Maybe more respect for the actresses I ask to pose naked. Certainly more respect for the transformative power of good lighting and goot-sucking.

Certainly more sympathy for the parents involved. When I told my mom, she looked at me in the way I imagine John Walker Lindh's mom did when he told her he'd chosen a career in the Taliban military.

And I learned to never, ever scribble anonymous notes on nude photos around the office, like the one suggesting that I invest in several bottles of Nair.

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